Change!

Kategorie: Uncategorized

  • Some more about the What and Why

    Im Back

    Okay, I’m back. Kinda didn’t expect it, to be honest. Must have been my first two followers. In this regard, thanks, fans of depressing real-life stories, for getting my dopamine up with that mighty follow button. Soon I will be one of those „can we get 1000 likes“?

    As I am now officially a consecutive writer, I want to share some structure I just made up.

    In an ideal world, I will tell you a bit about my life—especially what didn’t turn out to be very enjoyable and, most importantly, how I think it has obviously impacted me. The key topics will be:

    • Obviously drinking father (not anymore, though, but he is still a brick)
    • Some more very complicated family affairs (due to my father, of course)
    • Some juicy health issues I used to encounter (or still am)
    • Some demanding relationships, including suicidal thoughts and fancy manipulation
    • And, the cherry on top—the consequences of all the BS the above have put on me over the years (mmmhmh, delicate topics to come)

    After we have come to terms with this exquisite portfolio, we will go on to see why the saying „the body keeps the score“ is a really good one.

    So back to the ideal world, where we kinda figure out together how I can solve this monumental bullshit I have accumulated over the years. Because teamwork makes the dream work.

    The good part is—I know it can be done. The bad part is—overcoming it will be the most difficult task of my life, and I have plenty of evidence to support my claim. Otherwise, everyone would just change their life in an instant, and I don’t know where you folks are from, but unfortunately, I know of none who has truly turned their life a full 180. That is, besides every single guy on social media. This phenomoen seems also only to be possibile when living in Dubai.

    However, I feel like 95–98% of people do a solid 360—or even a 720—and end up on the same path as before. Just think about the great classics of our time: nutrition, exercise, leaving an abusive partner, or, to give a more concrete example, the overworked boss who, after suffering a stroke, vows to work less and live better—only to find himself back in his 9-to-9 job within a few months, despite facing his own mortality (please pause here for a second….).

    Oh, and let’s not forget about our screen time. I will most probably write some about this topic aswell, as i feel like our screens are more addicting than crack.

    In less fancy words: They’re stuck as hell in their old routines. I’d even argue that most people don’t even realize it. But the truth is, most of us drool like Pavlov’s dog. So am I. I am a master drooler.

    So yeah, we’re all droolers for now.

    But for me, personally, it gets even more complicated. Because once you’ve realized that fact and accept it as true, the hardest part still remains—you actually have to do something and change. And, at least in my case, my tank isn’t even half full.

    So what we might witness here is a real showdown—whether I’m able to fight my demons, rise to the level I want to live at, and actually feel my life—or if the suffering will continue. (Which it definitely will if I don’t take care of it.)

    Closing toughts:

    • Am I the only one constantly erasing his text? I’m no boomer, but I feel like one using WordPress’s interface.
    • I actually write my texts without the help of ChatGPT. However, I am from Germany, so excuse my English. If you find any obvious errors, feel free to keep them.
    • I’m really inspired by people who „have done it„, so if you’ve read this, feel free to reach out.
    • If you’re struggling, just like many of us do, also feel free to reach out to me, as I believe that 1 + 1 is greater than 3.

    TBD

  • Some about the What and Why

    Some about the What and Why

    About the Why

    These sections aren’t exactly simple, honestly. If I knew who I was or where I was headed, I wouldn’t feel any urge to write—because there’d be nothing to share. And sharing, in this sense, only happens when there’s something worth telling or thinking about. Luckily, there’s plenty to think about and even more to share.

    I once read that it takes people a very long time to even realize how fucked they really are—to fully grasp and accept the catastrophe they’ve been facing (or might still be facing) along with its consequences. Now, here I am 26ish years old, and unfortunately, I can relate to that statement. Too bad, right?

    By the way, humor will be used from time to time here. Otherwise, I’d have to cry a lot. (Which, to be fair, would probably do me some real good.)

    That being said, I haven’t been through the absolute worst of it. Before I had to learn the hard way what stress and mental health really mean, I thought you could just shake things off by pushing through. And I did—for years. With zero success, if we’re judging by the overall timeframe.

    I should also mention that I’ve never been particularly good with emotions—or acknowledging them. Because I’m a man, right? Or maybe I just never learned how. That’s why, back then, I thought you had to go through war, be abandoned by your parents, or suffer severe abuse for things to really “count.” But life has its own way of waking you up. It was a rude awakening, at least for me. And I do believe that at some point, everyone needs an awakening—because life happens to most of us.

    Even though I haven’t been through literal hell like poorly illustrated above, I now know that I’ve faced a lot. What does “a lot” even mean, you ask? Well, as with many things, it starts with family. More often than not, with fathers.

    Mine became a raging alcoholic, destroying everything within his reach. The dilemma is, you can’t escape that when you’re a teenager. And for those who’ve experienced it firsthand, you’ll know that alcoholism isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a career which is being build. It starts small: blacking out every now and then, drowning past trauma in some poison of choice. But this kind of self-medication doesn’t heal wounds; it deepens them. And so, the drinking gets worse. One day, wife and son get caught in the storm—assaulted, beaten. And yet, the physical pain is often nothing compared to the emotional wreckage that builds over the years. Especially when the alcoholic, father, or whoever they are, happens to be a narcissist. Because that, unfortunately, rules out any chance of self-reflection. Or the possibility of a simple “sorry”—something I’ve been hoping to hear for over a decade now. I wish i was joking, but turth hurts. Need an example? The day after my father punched me in the face for the first (and last time) i decided to cut that relationship and to finally make my move out in my own appartment. We of course had to settle for financial support. So i decided to face him right after that incident. For me it was important to be there the next day. To look the devil straight in the eyes. All in all he said he was glad he did it, because there finally was a lot of tension released(aka hitting his son in the face) and he is looking forward to all the gained spare time he would gather after my move out. The financial support was sufficient for my needs at that time, however of course way less then he could or should have paid (EUR 350).

    All in all, this is the perfect recipe for a dangerous cocktail. Because people like that don’t give a shit about you—for the simple reason that they don’t give a shit about themselves. From a logical point of view I would even argue that my father (or any other person in your case) is not of any fault, as he is simply sick. All that logical point of view however is worth ass considering we are not maschines. But back then i was not at that point. For me it just happened and my stepmom and I were used to that ever tiking timebomb. We never knew when, but we knew it would happen.

    Again a friendly reminder. You can not just push through it. The body keeps the score. And the score will get you rather sooner then later. But we will get there, i will tell when and how I kept the score and still do.

    To be continued