Some about the What and Why

About the Why

These sections aren’t exactly simple, honestly. If I knew who I was or where I was headed, I wouldn’t feel any urge to write—because there’d be nothing to share. And sharing, in this sense, only happens when there’s something worth telling or thinking about. Luckily, there’s plenty to think about and even more to share.

I once read that it takes people a very long time to even realize how fucked they really are—to fully grasp and accept the catastrophe they’ve been facing (or might still be facing) along with its consequences. Now, here I am 26ish years old, and unfortunately, I can relate to that statement. Too bad, right?

By the way, humor will be used from time to time here. Otherwise, I’d have to cry a lot. (Which, to be fair, would probably do me some real good.)

That being said, I haven’t been through the absolute worst of it. Before I had to learn the hard way what stress and mental health really mean, I thought you could just shake things off by pushing through. And I did—for years. With zero success, if we’re judging by the overall timeframe.

I should also mention that I’ve never been particularly good with emotions—or acknowledging them. Because I’m a man, right? Or maybe I just never learned how. That’s why, back then, I thought you had to go through war, be abandoned by your parents, or suffer severe abuse for things to really “count.” But life has its own way of waking you up. It was a rude awakening, at least for me. And I do believe that at some point, everyone needs an awakening—because life happens to most of us.

Even though I haven’t been through literal hell like poorly illustrated above, I now know that I’ve faced a lot. What does “a lot” even mean, you ask? Well, as with many things, it starts with family. More often than not, with fathers.

Mine became a raging alcoholic, destroying everything within his reach. The dilemma is, you can’t escape that when you’re a teenager. And for those who’ve experienced it firsthand, you’ll know that alcoholism isn’t just a bad habit—it’s a career which is being build. It starts small: blacking out every now and then, drowning past trauma in some poison of choice. But this kind of self-medication doesn’t heal wounds; it deepens them. And so, the drinking gets worse. One day, wife and son get caught in the storm—assaulted, beaten. And yet, the physical pain is often nothing compared to the emotional wreckage that builds over the years. Especially when the alcoholic, father, or whoever they are, happens to be a narcissist. Because that, unfortunately, rules out any chance of self-reflection. Or the possibility of a simple “sorry”—something I’ve been hoping to hear for over a decade now. I wish i was joking, but turth hurts. Need an example? The day after my father punched me in the face for the first (and last time) i decided to cut that relationship and to finally make my move out in my own appartment. We of course had to settle for financial support. So i decided to face him right after that incident. For me it was important to be there the next day. To look the devil straight in the eyes. All in all he said he was glad he did it, because there finally was a lot of tension released(aka hitting his son in the face) and he is looking forward to all the gained spare time he would gather after my move out. The financial support was sufficient for my needs at that time, however of course way less then he could or should have paid (EUR 350).

All in all, this is the perfect recipe for a dangerous cocktail. Because people like that don’t give a shit about you—for the simple reason that they don’t give a shit about themselves. From a logical point of view I would even argue that my father (or any other person in your case) is not of any fault, as he is simply sick. All that logical point of view however is worth ass considering we are not maschines. But back then i was not at that point. For me it just happened and my stepmom and I were used to that ever tiking timebomb. We never knew when, but we knew it would happen.

Again a friendly reminder. You can not just push through it. The body keeps the score. And the score will get you rather sooner then later. But we will get there, i will tell when and how I kept the score and still do.

To be continued